No Matter What…

2nd


“I got rejected. Again. I really wanted to get that job!”

Two weeks ago, that was my sentiment but last Tuesday, I received an unexpected call telling me that I am scheduled for an interview- a final interview! A battle fought but lost, but still God knows know how to surprise and take the ashes into something real and beautiful.

But before that, let me tell you what happened before and after that rejection.

While I on my way on the van, I started listening to Hillsong’s Empires album. Now, I must admit that I haven’t been very pleasant with my reactions (even towards God) for the past few months. I am still relearning how to walk hand in hand with Him.Going back, I was listening intently to the lyrics and calming myself for the coming onslaught. I was listening to this song Even When It Hurts not knowing that I am already taking the words to heart. I was praying and telling myself that no matter what the outcome will be, I will choose to praise and trust Him and not question why it has to happen. Again. To make the long story short, I got rejected. While on my way home, I was trying hard not to shed a tear but a few escaped while riding the bus (I know, drama queen, right?) I started listening to the same song again and closed my eyes and took the words all in. Right there, I started thanking God for the rejection, choosing to trust than to question. I went home with a major headache and still a sad heart, but after that day I moved on and tried to forget what happened. It still stings but it’s not burning anymore. The call arrived after 8 days and I’m not really sure how it happened. I was told that I failed and could come back after six months, but who am I to say “no”?

I believe that God taught me how to trust Him again even when things aren’t really making sense and to believe that His plans are much better than I would ever have. I am thankful for the tools that God is using to remind us that He is present and good even when we don’t see it. He never cease to amaze and manifest. An awesome God indeed. Worthy of praise even through the toughest times of our lives.

 

 “Even When It Hurts (Praise Song)”

Take this fainted heart
Take these tainted hands
Wash me in Your love
Come like grace again

Even when my strength is lost
I’ll praise You
Even when I have no song
I’ll praise You
Even when it’s hard to find the words
Louder then I’ll sing Your praise

I will only sing Your praise
I will only sing Your praise
I will only sing Your praise

Take this mountain weight
Take these ocean tears
Hold me through the trial
Come like hope again

Even when the fight seems lost
I’ll praise You
Even when it hurts like hell
I’ll praise You
Even when it makes no sense to sing
Louder then I’ll sing Your praise

I will only sing Your praise
I will only sing Your praise
I will only sing Your praise

And my heart burns only for You
You are all You are all I want
And my soul waits only for You
And I will sing till the morning has come

Lord my heart burns only for You
You are all You are all I want
And my soul waits only for You
And I will sing till the miracle comes

I will only sing Your praise
I will only sing Your praise
I will only sing Your praise

Even when the morning comes
I’ll praise You
Even when the fight is won
I’ll praise You
Even when my time on earth is done
Louder then I’ll sing your praise

I will only sing Your praise

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Breaking The Walls #4

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The challenge is when you don’t feel like it. It’s easy to hold on to what you promised to do when you feel good about it, but what happens when you are not?

Let me tell you how hard it is when you are Bipolar and a Christian. It’s really really hard. You want to do something but your mind tells you to do another. You want to understand people but your brain will rationalize why you don’t have to. Ha-ha. I know, I know. I’m a ball of contradictions and irony and I really don’t know what to do most of the time. But, the good thing is that we have a patient God and let me tell you it’s harder without Him. Emotions have been a big part of my life,and being too sensitive sometimes bring me trouble. But, being a Christian makes me more sympathetic towards others. It just creates the balance I need to be sane.

Today, I woke up feeling dreadful and unmotivated. But, what I’ve learned from the previous week that we actually have a choice to stand up against our feelings. I used to feel like I am doomed to be sad if I start the day with that feeling, but I realized that I have a choice. God has given us power to overcome our feelings and that we can have a different reaction toward our emotions. It’s not faking yourself, but actually standing up for yourself, and if you’re not that religious, you might wanna read/watch The Silver Linings Playbook and it’s saying actually the same thing.

Again, it’s my journey and I’m not saying it will work the same for every one, but I will be brave enough to say that God is patient to every one, and those who are willing to open their hearts to Him will never be disappointed.

h

Breaking Down the Walls #3

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It’s my third day of choosing to fight and I must say it’s been a ride! I cannot say that I loved every moment of it. I still resist sometimes and there were moments of weakness I almost choked because I felt like I cannot continue doing it anymore. I cried so hard and told myself I should give up again because I lost, but when I woke up, I felt God’s love inside me again. I cannot say I’m back on track again but a beautiful thing happened yesterday.

My godmother and I met at the mall because she wanted to talk to me. I know from how it started that she wanted me to go back to the church’s Praise and Worship Team because of the way I sung Touch The Sky by Hillsong last Sunday(which is actually a surprise because I was not informed beforehand. God, You are so sneaky). I did not expect everyone to take it seriously, I was always used to being invisible because I thought nobody appreciated me. Turned out, one of our Elders and our Pastor was also there. They talked to me and told me that they really miss hearing my voice every Sunday and if there is any problem between me and the team. I told them honestly that I feel like nobody really sees me at church anymore and that I feel shy going back after being gone for a long time and that I no longer have the slot since it seems like they are already complete. They reminded how our former Pastor anointed me as the church’s official worship singer and I can’t help but cry a little bit because I’d be honest enough that I always think about that.

The thing is, I don’t know what will happen next. The conversation didn’t really have a conclusion and that they will talk to the team on Saturday and I’d be welcome to join. To be honest, I don’t know what to think and feel but I learned that feelings should not be the indicator of my spiritual growth. I’ll just trust the Lord to bring me victory into whatever plan He is going to make me do.

h

Breaking Down the Walls #2

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Naming the Walls

It’s easy to get caught up with all the chaos in our lives that we forget where it all started. Tearing down each problem is painful because you will have to face a lot of troubling questions and hurting pasts. Many people (me, included) have hurtled into temporary solution only to find ourselves lost in the labyrinth of emptiness and numbness. Is it wrong to admit that you, alone, can’t help yourself? We deny the existence of pain and problem until we are in the pit of despair with nowhere to run. Maybe, it’s time to decide who’s the real enemy.

Your walls are not people, circumstances, emotions.

I am a very emotional personal. I take everything personally and I cry easily when people don’t understand me. Do I have to be defined by that? Maybe, but it doesn’t have to be the end of the rope. I am sensitive, yes, but I want to use my sensitivity to comfort others and understand them fully because I realized, that’s what I do best. But, I cannot. Why? Because I am having these Walls of Resentment and Selfishness.

I want to do something productive but I am afraid I will mess up and people would make fun of me. It’s clearly absurd but that’s the truth. I have Wall of Laziness and Wall of People’s Expectations of Me.

……..and those are just four of the many.

Seeing them clearly written on paper(or on screen) seems minuscule compared to what these are doing in my life. They are the walls that keep on hindering me on living my life the way God wants me to live.

What about you, what are your walls? What keeps you from living life? 

 h

Breaking Down the Walls #1

*This is inspired by Ryan Rush’s book 

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Good morning every one. Have you had your daily cup of tea or coffee? How are you feeling today? I feel energized but calm when I woke up and that’s a good thing. I’m no longer on meds for my anxiety and no longer drinking caps so I could go to sleep, so that’s okay. So what’s keeping me sane? You guessed it, BOOKS! But not quite. If you read my previous post, I had this peculiar conversation with God (hey, if that creeps you out, that’s okay, I respect you)and I think I’m finally having the reason to live again. But, it’s not easy. It’s actually a lot of hard work and tearing down boundaries that I have built upon me. So, I’m taking them day by day. I don’t know where this journey might lead me, but I’m okay with working with an invisible God than playing victim with myself all over again. I used to worry about looking like an idiot, so I tried living on my own terms and living for the sake of living and that made me hollowed and full of pride.

How the Walls Started

I am nineteen years old when I got back to college. It was actually fun interacting with kids my age(and not my age) and I am happily the good girl of the group. I don’t drink, I don’t have sex and I am known as the girl who goes to church and the girl they ask about trivial things in Bible. I liked it. I actually lived up to my reputation and I feel energized going to school knowing that I won’t only learn but I could little by little influence the people around me(and I actually did, I heard two of my friends talking about how they should at least try to live as wholesome as me). And, they respect me for that. I’ve became their control system. They would ask me if what they’re doing is right.(not that I am God or something) I loved every moment of that.

Unfortunately, things changed after a sem. I don’t know what happened but I got wounded up to the dark path that I actually disowned before. I found myself no longer enjoying the journey of always being the one who’s in control. I became like them.Yes, I don’t drink but I became as dark as I could, acting like a child and judged people whom I used to love and understand. I became resentful, always mad and sad.

I don’t know where to go from there.

As much as I want to live happy. I started looking for distraction and that’s where my obsession with books resurfaced. It became my way of life escaping from one world to another, letting go of reality. But, still, I am trapped, I am lost.

There are a lot of things I couldn’t say to you

. I’m not that bold enough, but I know where all of this came from. I know what is the root of all this, I just don’t want to admit it because there are other people involved.

That’s where we’re going to start:

NAMING YOUR WALLS

Your walls are not people. Your walls are not your circumstances. Your walls are not your emotions. Your walls are not your disorder. Your walls are built on your heart and your mindset you’re letting to control you’re whole being.

I am a Bipolar since I was a kid. I became a Christian when I was in senior highschool and I saw how the world could change with a little goodness and faith. I had a relapse almost two years from now, not that it went away. But, I lost control when I let my mind rot with bad things that are happening to me. I went away and I want to come back.

If you don’t know how to name these walls. Look at your life and see if anything that makes you feel dead because of your mindset hinders you from living and makes you feel afraid to live life with abandon. Think about the things that you think when you think about it, you actually feel suffocated. Maybe we should stop the blame game. Maybe we should start looking inwards and see where we made mistakes. Maybe, we have the choice but we don’t have the power. And maybe, positive thinking no longer works.

Think about it.

h