The State of the country and how I am not cool with it

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I work at the BPO industry, you see, I work for people I don’t see, but here’s what i can see – the current state of my country.

Knowing my friends and some of my family, believe me this is such a bold statement to make. I hate what’s happening in my country. I am not good with law and I am certainly not a prominent figure to matter, but I know this will hurt the butts of a lot of people especially by the people who idolize the current administration. I am never one for the politics and I’m never one to tolerate the killings.

Believe me how hard it is to take sides, with the media not really doing the job the way they should be. I used to want to work in that industry, but I don’t think that’s for me. The country’s been getting a lot of attention -yes, some maybe good, as what they good, whatever publicity is good publicity. Whatever. I am only seeing this on my own eyes and I am not trying to change your mind.

We are not gods yet, we are trying to be. We are not judge, yet we talk like we have the right. We are Filipinos yet, we are acting like animals- attacking each other and tearing each other’s noses. It’s sad, we are beginning to create wars within our own and while we are at it – let’s face it – the country’s gaining more enemies than allies.

Let’s face it, the leader represents the followers, and vice versa. As much as I want to become a follower, I don’t think I want to represent someone with worse temper than I am. No, I am not buying into that, I want someone with integrity who matches his walk with his talk and who knows how to respect.

Always remember no one wins the war. It will just be repeating the same wars of our fathers. And believe me, we are more than that.

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Still That Girl

Remember when you used to be the girl who loves life?

Remember when you are still the one who wants to connect and establish relationships and all that?

It’s like life has failed you and let it ruined you, romanticizing failures and being alone.

You used to be one happy girl, always excited to live, always excited to plan and never let nervousness get the best her. Remember that?

Please don’t forget.

Please wake her up from slumber.

Please, be that girl.

because you are still that girl.13230952_1305259202817459_1456864419_o

No Matter What…

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“I got rejected. Again. I really wanted to get that job!”

Two weeks ago, that was my sentiment but last Tuesday, I received an unexpected call telling me that I am scheduled for an interview- a final interview! A battle fought but lost, but still God knows know how to surprise and take the ashes into something real and beautiful.

But before that, let me tell you what happened before and after that rejection.

While I on my way on the van, I started listening to Hillsong’s Empires album. Now, I must admit that I haven’t been very pleasant with my reactions (even towards God) for the past few months. I am still relearning how to walk hand in hand with Him.Going back, I was listening intently to the lyrics and calming myself for the coming onslaught. I was listening to this song Even When It Hurts not knowing that I am already taking the words to heart. I was praying and telling myself that no matter what the outcome will be, I will choose to praise and trust Him and not question why it has to happen. Again. To make the long story short, I got rejected. While on my way home, I was trying hard not to shed a tear but a few escaped while riding the bus (I know, drama queen, right?) I started listening to the same song again and closed my eyes and took the words all in. Right there, I started thanking God for the rejection, choosing to trust than to question. I went home with a major headache and still a sad heart, but after that day I moved on and tried to forget what happened. It still stings but it’s not burning anymore. The call arrived after 8 days and I’m not really sure how it happened. I was told that I failed and could come back after six months, but who am I to say “no”?

I believe that God taught me how to trust Him again even when things aren’t really making sense and to believe that His plans are much better than I would ever have. I am thankful for the tools that God is using to remind us that He is present and good even when we don’t see it. He never cease to amaze and manifest. An awesome God indeed. Worthy of praise even through the toughest times of our lives.

 

 “Even When It Hurts (Praise Song)”

Take this fainted heart
Take these tainted hands
Wash me in Your love
Come like grace again

Even when my strength is lost
I’ll praise You
Even when I have no song
I’ll praise You
Even when it’s hard to find the words
Louder then I’ll sing Your praise

I will only sing Your praise
I will only sing Your praise
I will only sing Your praise

Take this mountain weight
Take these ocean tears
Hold me through the trial
Come like hope again

Even when the fight seems lost
I’ll praise You
Even when it hurts like hell
I’ll praise You
Even when it makes no sense to sing
Louder then I’ll sing Your praise

I will only sing Your praise
I will only sing Your praise
I will only sing Your praise

And my heart burns only for You
You are all You are all I want
And my soul waits only for You
And I will sing till the morning has come

Lord my heart burns only for You
You are all You are all I want
And my soul waits only for You
And I will sing till the miracle comes

I will only sing Your praise
I will only sing Your praise
I will only sing Your praise

Even when the morning comes
I’ll praise You
Even when the fight is won
I’ll praise You
Even when my time on earth is done
Louder then I’ll sing your praise

I will only sing Your praise

Two Years and Beyond!

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More than two years ago, I met a guy whom I never thought would actually take me seriously. Yes, I am the type of girl who fancies nerdy guys. I like them because I know they can carry interesting conversations. Back when I was in highschool, those type of guys never even look at me. I am a bad-boy magnet. Guys with a reputation for being reckless or guys who are waaaay older than me- they are the ones who would always want to catch my attention. My dream of dating a smart guy vanished.

When I went back to college, I met this guy (he was still wearing contact lenses that time) whom I thought is kinda cute. I never thought that he’s been mesmerized (according to him) by me even before we actually met because I am so white(again, according to him). One day, he went to our classroom to borrow a lab gown. He said he’d just return it, but I found a problem: How will he contact me? So, I said he should get my number. (Well, I know, I’m sneaky LOL)

Things started from there and last February 03, 2016, we celebrated our second year anniversary! It’s our first time going out of town together since our parents are so strict. We were so happy and we had a very intimate conversation while lounging at the beach.

 

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I am so glad, I finally found someone I could love my whole life. I know we still got a long way to go, but this guy have seen me hit rock bottom and he never let me down even more. He would try to make me smile no matter how awkward he is when he does. I miss him even before we separate at the end of the day and I can’t get enough of his arms and smell. I know we’re still too young to settle down, but we are both willing to wait and work hard for that perfect timing. We trust God that He has brought us together to challenge and appreciate each other, and we are both thankful for that.

 

 

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Baby, I know loving someone like me is hard, I cannot promise I am worth it but I promise you that no matter how much we might try to hurt each other, I will always come back to you because you’ve made me feel at home just by looking at your smile.

The Year I Still Have No Clue What I’m Going To Do

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It’s the Chinese new year! Somehow a second new year to those who haven’t done any of their new years’s resolutions. Do I have any? I remember writing down some but I forgot where I wrote them in. 

I must admit that I haven’t done anything remarkable so far. I have new dogs if that counts but I must also admit that I haven’t enjoyed life as much as I do now!

I’m still jobless, but my family still supports me in all my decisions, trusting God that He has amazing plans for me. 

It’s already February, but one of my greatest feat is that I no longer worry whether I’m doing something fast. I worry about where I am putting my heart now. I’d rather be staying at home doing some chores without grumbling than working my ass out on a company who doesn’t value what I can do. I still hope and pray that He will direct me in a workplace where I will truly grow and won’t hinder my time for the Lord. 

To be honest, I don’t have any concrete plans yet. But it feels good to actually start from a new slate!

Also, I am loving the colors of the year that I incorporated them on my newly customized blog! 

 

New Trail, New Eyes

The only way you can see things in a different way is seeing through new eyes. It’s easier said than done. It’s not like you can get a transplant for the very same reason. I’m talking about the metaphorical resonance-how we see things and forcing ourselves to look past our present circumstances.

How was your 2015? Mine was mind-boggling, depressing and a whole lot of scary transition my body is not ready for. The soul, however, knows what to do. It knows when to rest, it knows when it’s enough and it knows when to start something new. Humans are fragile. I am fragile.

Admitting that you need help is the most vulnerable thing you could ever do but it’s the most liberating thing to be able to let out and take off your cover and shout to the world that you are hurting. Only then, starts the process of healing. You are what you decide to do with your sadness. You can wallow and pity yourself for the rest of your lives and blame anyone-even God-why your life’s a tortured mess. Or you can get up and feel the pain but refuse to give in. You can be stronger than this. You are stronger than this.

Take this year. Move on from here and never forget the lessons of the pain. But most importantly: be brave, dear heart. Don’t let the fire die out. You can. You will.

 

 

Generation Without a Purpose

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Overhearing TV sounds from some noon time show while contemplating how in the world we got here. We used to fight in wars, help people fight for their freedom and untangle the mysteries of the world. Now, we live as if we’re always running out of time. We go to school and make to do lists so we could at least say we accomplished something. Learning has become synonymous to a piece of paper gained after decades of understanding synopsis, theories and conclusions without really knowing what these are for. Sadly, we learn, so we can earn.

What happened to the noble dreams of wanting to become a doctor or an engineer, a teacher when all we think about are our parent’s unfulfilled dreams? Sometimes, I wonder what happened to humanity. Did technology changed it all? Or we just let ourselves became blinded by wanting more and more?

Do not blame the computers. Do not blame the internet. Do not blame government’s corruption. As far as I know, it’s been wired that way since the beginning of time. As far as I know, we are the ones who put these things in our lives.

We live to consume. We live for the future we do not even know will come. Gone are the good old days of enjoying the moment when all we really do is escape with our selfies and ootds and all the rubbish we invented, or maybe just inherited, who knows. We value people on how they look and how much money they have on their virtual vaults. Sadly, we are bullied to believe the same.

Accomplishments are based on gaining certificates, recognition and public attention no matter how fleeting. We document our lives without really feeling anything, what happened? Can we do something real and good without boasting about it?

Now, tell me. What is your purpose? Is it to make this world a better place or contribute to its destruction?

We used to fight in wars but I think we are in a larger war in the history-with ourselves. We are hypocrites saying one thing and doing another. Choosing our beliefs to fit our actions. This.Generation.Suck and I am ashamed to be part of it.

Make a difference? Sure, yeah. Maybe later I’ll post some selfie with a very long inspirational post from some guy who died 100 years ago and I never even met, so it’s okay to plagiarize,  and hope it would amount to something.

Today is Thursday

…just another typical day. But another typical day means another happy day for the kids because school is out! (for another 3 days, that is). So, this is one of those usual days, but the difference is that the moments are caught on camera. Here’s to more usual days like this!

Basically, my cousins and I with my boyfriend hang out at home watching movies, play with the dogs outside and eat ice cream but I was holding a phone so I want to commemorate at least one of these days 🙂

They may not read this, but I am very grateful to these kids, they maybe naughty and noisy most of the time but I really know they always want to spend time with me even though I distant myself with them sometimes. They all call me “Pepen” now(Nyl was the only one before) which really means bestfriend. I hope when they grow old, they would still call me the same. Hihi.

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When traveling became an escape

Hello guys! How was your weekend? I really had sort of roller-coaster ride the previous week and I thought I was going to be exhausted but I am not. I learned so much and I feel like I am finally getting my life back together and I have to claim it because doing so will remind me that I am determined to continue getting on the right track again. But, we’re not talking about that right now. Traveling is fast becoming a necessity these days, and I have something to say about it.

I really have this thought for a long time now that I am gladly putting off for very long because I thought it’s absurd. I really question people who are getting their source of fulfillment and happiness through traveling. I mean, hey, let’s make this clear. I love traveling and I Iove meeting new people and learning new languages and all that, but I really wonder why some of my friends are really into it to the point that they no longer feel at home in their own houses and they no longer feel the need to improve themselves by immersing to an interest that barely needs going out. I respect people who can go to a different country and still feel responsible and connected to their roots. But, I usually encounter some who became arrogant just because they’ve already set foot on half of a continent or experienced winter across the globe. Some people even “forget” to speak the native language and the inconvenience of using public transportation.

And, let’s not forget those who are “moving on”. You have a broken heart, I understand you need to travel(and yes, let’s say you have the fund) to forget but, do you really need to escape your hometown to seek forgiveness and find yourself again? I just noticed that this generation romanticizes the idea of finding oneself by literally moving on and finding who you are in the wilderness, or on the snow, or whatever. Again, I have nothing against that, but really? Can we face our personal problems first before we commit to a year round of travel? I mean, it saves money, plus you will get to plan your own itinerary much better when you have clearer mind. Eat, Pray, Love have sold millions and I assure you, you can’t top that with thousand likes on Facebook.

I also encounter people who works to travel. I mean, they literally work just to save money and travel at least a month or once every two months or something like their lives depend on it. I can’t see any problem with saving money for traveling besides, it’s for your own sanity especially if you really have a toxic work. But, the problem is, it’s becoming the opium of their lives to want to escape and experience things like they don’t have their own family to spend time with.

One of the saddest person I know admits that she doesn’t feel alive on her own place. And that depresses me because I think she has a nice family and decent job but still, it doesn’t suffice.

Sigh. Again, I have nothing against traveling. It’s cool, and immersing yourself to different culture makes you feel connected to everyone and it makes you cultured and smart. But, do we really have to make it our final goal? Or you don’t see that our final goal is a circle that actually never ends? Maybe we should ask ourselves why do we really have the desire to go. Is it because you are needed somewhere else? Maybe because you really feel like moving is the only way to breathe again? Or maybe because this society have built up the standard that traveling will make you feel like you are superior or you have actually touched the world?

Again, I see nothing wrong with wanting to travel. It’s just that sometimes we forget that we have a home no matter what people say, or the books that says that “home is not a place but a feeling.”(That actually is a bad metaphor to be honest) or an internet meme that says “travel while you can, money is just there.” Have we fell into the trap of being part Generation Y?(a generation without a goal or a purpose) I want to believe we have not, and I want to believe we don’t need to be perpetually lost that we constantly feel the need to find ourselves somewhere else.

Maybe we should try to build a life where we don’t need to get away just to feel alive. Maybe we need not to depend our happiness by wanting to escape all the time. We have our home, and if you haven’t found it yet, don’t just fly away and swear never to return again. Because chances are, home is still where your roots are(even if it’s somewhere else, and I’m praying you soon find that place) And there’s nothing better than going home to a cozy home where you can sit back and let your guard down.

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Breaking Down the Walls #1

*This is inspired by Ryan Rush’s book 

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Good morning every one. Have you had your daily cup of tea or coffee? How are you feeling today? I feel energized but calm when I woke up and that’s a good thing. I’m no longer on meds for my anxiety and no longer drinking caps so I could go to sleep, so that’s okay. So what’s keeping me sane? You guessed it, BOOKS! But not quite. If you read my previous post, I had this peculiar conversation with God (hey, if that creeps you out, that’s okay, I respect you)and I think I’m finally having the reason to live again. But, it’s not easy. It’s actually a lot of hard work and tearing down boundaries that I have built upon me. So, I’m taking them day by day. I don’t know where this journey might lead me, but I’m okay with working with an invisible God than playing victim with myself all over again. I used to worry about looking like an idiot, so I tried living on my own terms and living for the sake of living and that made me hollowed and full of pride.

How the Walls Started

I am nineteen years old when I got back to college. It was actually fun interacting with kids my age(and not my age) and I am happily the good girl of the group. I don’t drink, I don’t have sex and I am known as the girl who goes to church and the girl they ask about trivial things in Bible. I liked it. I actually lived up to my reputation and I feel energized going to school knowing that I won’t only learn but I could little by little influence the people around me(and I actually did, I heard two of my friends talking about how they should at least try to live as wholesome as me). And, they respect me for that. I’ve became their control system. They would ask me if what they’re doing is right.(not that I am God or something) I loved every moment of that.

Unfortunately, things changed after a sem. I don’t know what happened but I got wounded up to the dark path that I actually disowned before. I found myself no longer enjoying the journey of always being the one who’s in control. I became like them.Yes, I don’t drink but I became as dark as I could, acting like a child and judged people whom I used to love and understand. I became resentful, always mad and sad.

I don’t know where to go from there.

As much as I want to live happy. I started looking for distraction and that’s where my obsession with books resurfaced. It became my way of life escaping from one world to another, letting go of reality. But, still, I am trapped, I am lost.

There are a lot of things I couldn’t say to you

. I’m not that bold enough, but I know where all of this came from. I know what is the root of all this, I just don’t want to admit it because there are other people involved.

That’s where we’re going to start:

NAMING YOUR WALLS

Your walls are not people. Your walls are not your circumstances. Your walls are not your emotions. Your walls are not your disorder. Your walls are built on your heart and your mindset you’re letting to control you’re whole being.

I am a Bipolar since I was a kid. I became a Christian when I was in senior highschool and I saw how the world could change with a little goodness and faith. I had a relapse almost two years from now, not that it went away. But, I lost control when I let my mind rot with bad things that are happening to me. I went away and I want to come back.

If you don’t know how to name these walls. Look at your life and see if anything that makes you feel dead because of your mindset hinders you from living and makes you feel afraid to live life with abandon. Think about the things that you think when you think about it, you actually feel suffocated. Maybe we should stop the blame game. Maybe we should start looking inwards and see where we made mistakes. Maybe, we have the choice but we don’t have the power. And maybe, positive thinking no longer works.

Think about it.

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