*This is inspired by Ryan Rush’s book
Good morning every one. Have you had your daily cup of tea or coffee? How are you feeling today? I feel energized but calm when I woke up and that’s a good thing. I’m no longer on meds for my anxiety and no longer drinking caps so I could go to sleep, so that’s okay. So what’s keeping me sane? You guessed it, BOOKS! But not quite. If you read my previous post, I had this peculiar conversation with God (hey, if that creeps you out, that’s okay, I respect you)and I think I’m finally having the reason to live again. But, it’s not easy. It’s actually a lot of hard work and tearing down boundaries that I have built upon me. So, I’m taking them day by day. I don’t know where this journey might lead me, but I’m okay with working with an invisible God than playing victim with myself all over again. I used to worry about looking like an idiot, so I tried living on my own terms and living for the sake of living and that made me hollowed and full of pride.
How the Walls Started
I am nineteen years old when I got back to college. It was actually fun interacting with kids my age(and not my age) and I am happily the good girl of the group. I don’t drink, I don’t have sex and I am known as the girl who goes to church and the girl they ask about trivial things in Bible. I liked it. I actually lived up to my reputation and I feel energized going to school knowing that I won’t only learn but I could little by little influence the people around me(and I actually did, I heard two of my friends talking about how they should at least try to live as wholesome as me). And, they respect me for that. I’ve became their control system. They would ask me if what they’re doing is right.(not that I am God or something) I loved every moment of that.
Unfortunately, things changed after a sem. I don’t know what happened but I got wounded up to the dark path that I actually disowned before. I found myself no longer enjoying the journey of always being the one who’s in control. I became like them.Yes, I don’t drink but I became as dark as I could, acting like a child and judged people whom I used to love and understand. I became resentful, always mad and sad.
I don’t know where to go from there.
As much as I want to live happy. I started looking for distraction and that’s where my obsession with books resurfaced. It became my way of life escaping from one world to another, letting go of reality. But, still, I am trapped, I am lost.
There are a lot of things I couldn’t say to you
. I’m not that bold enough, but I know where all of this came from. I know what is the root of all this, I just don’t want to admit it because there are other people involved.
That’s where we’re going to start:
NAMING YOUR WALLS
Your walls are not people. Your walls are not your circumstances. Your walls are not your emotions. Your walls are not your disorder. Your walls are built on your heart and your mindset you’re letting to control you’re whole being.
I am a Bipolar since I was a kid. I became a Christian when I was in senior highschool and I saw how the world could change with a little goodness and faith. I had a relapse almost two years from now, not that it went away. But, I lost control when I let my mind rot with bad things that are happening to me. I went away and I want to come back.
If you don’t know how to name these walls. Look at your life and see if anything that makes you feel dead because of your mindset hinders you from living and makes you feel afraid to live life with abandon. Think about the things that you think when you think about it, you actually feel suffocated. Maybe we should stop the blame game. Maybe we should start looking inwards and see where we made mistakes. Maybe, we have the choice but we don’t have the power. And maybe, positive thinking no longer works.
Think about it.