The Shift

It’s 5am and I’m wide awake for I fell asleep earlier last night due to some misunderstanding with the beau. It’s insane how easily I get irritated by simple things I used to be okay with before. Am I becoming a bad person?  I don’t know, but all I know is that I am more comfortable with myself and my thoughts than I thought possible. Is it wrong? I don’t know. All I know is that I am on my way to who I am supposed to be. It’s not the route I would choose but seems like life has its own pathway and even if it’s quite selfish of the universe, well, I just hope it will get better in the end.

I tired hard to stay the same, I really do. but there are so many things you are so done with, but that doesn’t mean you’re now a bad person. There are just some things which shifted inside you and it would just hurt you when you try hard to stay the same.




Still That Girl

Remember when you used to be the girl who loves life?

Remember when you are still the one who wants to connect and establish relationships and all that?

It’s like life has failed you and let it ruined you, romanticizing failures and being alone.

You used to be one happy girl, always excited to live, always excited to plan and never let nervousness get the best her. Remember that?

Please don’t forget.

Please wake her up from slumber.

Please, be that girl.

because you are still that girl.13230952_1305259202817459_1456864419_o

No Matter What…


“I got rejected. Again. I really wanted to get that job!”

Two weeks ago, that was my sentiment but last Tuesday, I received an unexpected call telling me that I am scheduled for an interview- a final interview! A battle fought but lost, but still God knows know how to surprise and take the ashes into something real and beautiful.

But before that, let me tell you what happened before and after that rejection.

While I on my way on the van, I started listening to Hillsong’s Empires album. Now, I must admit that I haven’t been very pleasant with my reactions (even towards God) for the past few months. I am still relearning how to walk hand in hand with Him.Going back, I was listening intently to the lyrics and calming myself for the coming onslaught. I was listening to this song Even When It Hurts not knowing that I am already taking the words to heart. I was praying and telling myself that no matter what the outcome will be, I will choose to praise and trust Him and not question why it has to happen. Again. To make the long story short, I got rejected. While on my way home, I was trying hard not to shed a tear but a few escaped while riding the bus (I know, drama queen, right?) I started listening to the same song again and closed my eyes and took the words all in. Right there, I started thanking God for the rejection, choosing to trust than to question. I went home with a major headache and still a sad heart, but after that day I moved on and tried to forget what happened. It still stings but it’s not burning anymore. The call arrived after 8 days and I’m not really sure how it happened. I was told that I failed and could come back after six months, but who am I to say “no”?

I believe that God taught me how to trust Him again even when things aren’t really making sense and to believe that His plans are much better than I would ever have. I am thankful for the tools that God is using to remind us that He is present and good even when we don’t see it. He never cease to amaze and manifest. An awesome God indeed. Worthy of praise even through the toughest times of our lives.


 “Even When It Hurts (Praise Song)”

Take this fainted heart
Take these tainted hands
Wash me in Your love
Come like grace again

Even when my strength is lost
I’ll praise You
Even when I have no song
I’ll praise You
Even when it’s hard to find the words
Louder then I’ll sing Your praise

I will only sing Your praise
I will only sing Your praise
I will only sing Your praise

Take this mountain weight
Take these ocean tears
Hold me through the trial
Come like hope again

Even when the fight seems lost
I’ll praise You
Even when it hurts like hell
I’ll praise You
Even when it makes no sense to sing
Louder then I’ll sing Your praise

I will only sing Your praise
I will only sing Your praise
I will only sing Your praise

And my heart burns only for You
You are all You are all I want
And my soul waits only for You
And I will sing till the morning has come

Lord my heart burns only for You
You are all You are all I want
And my soul waits only for You
And I will sing till the miracle comes

I will only sing Your praise
I will only sing Your praise
I will only sing Your praise

Even when the morning comes
I’ll praise You
Even when the fight is won
I’ll praise You
Even when my time on earth is done
Louder then I’ll sing your praise

I will only sing Your praise

“Everything that kills me makes me feel alive..”

Hi guys! How are you?

I’ve been feeling a lot stronger the past few days. But, last Saturday I was left alone at home and I panicked(I wailed and threw stuff inside my room) and almost cut myself again. Well. almost. My bestfriend(who happened to be my boyfriend) went here to comfort me and just stayed here until  I felt calm. I promise, human presence can actually make a difference with the right person.

So, back to today. I actually feel stronger now. I will take the examination for my job application tomorrow. I actually delayed it last week because I was nervous(I am always nervous anyway) and earlier I felt nervous again and I cried inside my room. My heart literally constricted with fear. I prayed to God and asked Him to take away the pain and fear I am experiencing. I read Girl Talk With God and digested everything it has to say. I felt my heart untangling and I felt my shoulder relaxed. It’s amazing. I don’t know but it really works for me. No matter how I feel unworthy I feel like something stirring inside me and is making me strong. And I want to be strong!

I know everything’s temporary and I am still afraid that it will come back eventually(I know it will) but I need this peace tonight so I could fall asleep and be sane enough tomorrow. I hope the outcome will be good. I am asking for your prayer as well 🙂

I am reading Before I Fall by Lauren Oliver and Between Us And The Moon. Both are YA and are looking good 🙂 My boyfriend sent me pictures and he actually surprised me with The Lord of The Rings Picture book and A Thousand Splendid Suns! He said he wanted me to look forward for something good tomorrow that’s why he bought those. He is literally the sweetest boyfriend I ever had! (and hopefully, the last. I always thank God for him.)

How about you? How’s the start of your week going so far? 🙂

“I can feel my heart beating in my chest”

“I can feel my heart beating in my chest.”

“That’s the way you should feel your whole life.”

We are the YA generation. Or so, they say. It feels good being a part of something, isn’t it? Even if it”s not really good for you. But I must admit there are some quotes that really get me. Above’s from Papertowns of John Green. It’s a beautiful depiction of what life should be. Exciting, something that should make you feel so alive and not barely living.


So, today I felt my heart beating in my chest again while reading a book I bought a year ago. It’s been a while since I read a book like this. It is Girl Talk with God by Susie Shellenberg. I’d be honest that it took me a while to give in to the nudging voice that tells me to read it. I was like, “I’m sure I already know all about that. Plus, it’s for girls. Girls are like, what? Young kids? I’m no longer a kid.” but hey, have I told you we have a patient God? And so, I caved in and here’s what I got…….


Barely there but still noticeable if you know how to be quiet enough to heart it. The raging storms inside my head calmed down and I felt (and still feeling it now)my heart swell. It’s as if I just moved on from a very tragic heartbreak. And yes, I know it’s not right to base your faith on emotions but it just really reminds me of good old days when I still feel free from all of these that are binding me. He reminded me that no matter how old I get, I am still his kid, his daughter and He wants to take care of me.

And today I claim, good days are coming…

And I know, it won’t be easy but nothing is ever won without a good fight. But, now, I know I am not alone. He is fighting for-and with-me.


Here’s to YOU who made me feel my heart again! Thank You for your patience and please help me to never let go. I know, days won’t get lighter just because of a day of good feelings, but help me, I know you’re there and you listen to me. You have my heart. Again.