No Matter What…

2nd


“I got rejected. Again. I really wanted to get that job!”

Two weeks ago, that was my sentiment but last Tuesday, I received an unexpected call telling me that I am scheduled for an interview- a final interview! A battle fought but lost, but still God knows know how to surprise and take the ashes into something real and beautiful.

But before that, let me tell you what happened before and after that rejection.

While I on my way on the van, I started listening to Hillsong’s Empires album. Now, I must admit that I haven’t been very pleasant with my reactions (even towards God) for the past few months. I am still relearning how to walk hand in hand with Him.Going back, I was listening intently to the lyrics and calming myself for the coming onslaught. I was listening to this song Even When It Hurts not knowing that I am already taking the words to heart. I was praying and telling myself that no matter what the outcome will be, I will choose to praise and trust Him and not question why it has to happen. Again. To make the long story short, I got rejected. While on my way home, I was trying hard not to shed a tear but a few escaped while riding the bus (I know, drama queen, right?) I started listening to the same song again and closed my eyes and took the words all in. Right there, I started thanking God for the rejection, choosing to trust than to question. I went home with a major headache and still a sad heart, but after that day I moved on and tried to forget what happened. It still stings but it’s not burning anymore. The call arrived after 8 days and I’m not really sure how it happened. I was told that I failed and could come back after six months, but who am I to say “no”?

I believe that God taught me how to trust Him again even when things aren’t really making sense and to believe that His plans are much better than I would ever have. I am thankful for the tools that God is using to remind us that He is present and good even when we don’t see it. He never cease to amaze and manifest. An awesome God indeed. Worthy of praise even through the toughest times of our lives.

 

 “Even When It Hurts (Praise Song)”

Take this fainted heart
Take these tainted hands
Wash me in Your love
Come like grace again

Even when my strength is lost
I’ll praise You
Even when I have no song
I’ll praise You
Even when it’s hard to find the words
Louder then I’ll sing Your praise

I will only sing Your praise
I will only sing Your praise
I will only sing Your praise

Take this mountain weight
Take these ocean tears
Hold me through the trial
Come like hope again

Even when the fight seems lost
I’ll praise You
Even when it hurts like hell
I’ll praise You
Even when it makes no sense to sing
Louder then I’ll sing Your praise

I will only sing Your praise
I will only sing Your praise
I will only sing Your praise

And my heart burns only for You
You are all You are all I want
And my soul waits only for You
And I will sing till the morning has come

Lord my heart burns only for You
You are all You are all I want
And my soul waits only for You
And I will sing till the miracle comes

I will only sing Your praise
I will only sing Your praise
I will only sing Your praise

Even when the morning comes
I’ll praise You
Even when the fight is won
I’ll praise You
Even when my time on earth is done
Louder then I’ll sing your praise

I will only sing Your praise

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New Trail, New Eyes

The only way you can see things in a different way is seeing through new eyes. It’s easier said than done. It’s not like you can get a transplant for the very same reason. I’m talking about the metaphorical resonance-how we see things and forcing ourselves to look past our present circumstances.

How was your 2015? Mine was mind-boggling, depressing and a whole lot of scary transition my body is not ready for. The soul, however, knows what to do. It knows when to rest, it knows when it’s enough and it knows when to start something new. Humans are fragile. I am fragile.

Admitting that you need help is the most vulnerable thing you could ever do but it’s the most liberating thing to be able to let out and take off your cover and shout to the world that you are hurting. Only then, starts the process of healing. You are what you decide to do with your sadness. You can wallow and pity yourself for the rest of your lives and blame anyone-even God-why your life’s a tortured mess. Or you can get up and feel the pain but refuse to give in. You can be stronger than this. You are stronger than this.

Take this year. Move on from here and never forget the lessons of the pain. But most importantly: be brave, dear heart. Don’t let the fire die out. You can. You will.

 

 

Breaking Down the Walls #3

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It’s my third day of choosing to fight and I must say it’s been a ride! I cannot say that I loved every moment of it. I still resist sometimes and there were moments of weakness I almost choked because I felt like I cannot continue doing it anymore. I cried so hard and told myself I should give up again because I lost, but when I woke up, I felt God’s love inside me again. I cannot say I’m back on track again but a beautiful thing happened yesterday.

My godmother and I met at the mall because she wanted to talk to me. I know from how it started that she wanted me to go back to the church’s Praise and Worship Team because of the way I sung Touch The Sky by Hillsong last Sunday(which is actually a surprise because I was not informed beforehand. God, You are so sneaky). I did not expect everyone to take it seriously, I was always used to being invisible because I thought nobody appreciated me. Turned out, one of our Elders and our Pastor was also there. They talked to me and told me that they really miss hearing my voice every Sunday and if there is any problem between me and the team. I told them honestly that I feel like nobody really sees me at church anymore and that I feel shy going back after being gone for a long time and that I no longer have the slot since it seems like they are already complete. They reminded how our former Pastor anointed me as the church’s official worship singer and I can’t help but cry a little bit because I’d be honest enough that I always think about that.

The thing is, I don’t know what will happen next. The conversation didn’t really have a conclusion and that they will talk to the team on Saturday and I’d be welcome to join. To be honest, I don’t know what to think and feel but I learned that feelings should not be the indicator of my spiritual growth. I’ll just trust the Lord to bring me victory into whatever plan He is going to make me do.

h

Breaking Down the Walls #2

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Naming the Walls

It’s easy to get caught up with all the chaos in our lives that we forget where it all started. Tearing down each problem is painful because you will have to face a lot of troubling questions and hurting pasts. Many people (me, included) have hurtled into temporary solution only to find ourselves lost in the labyrinth of emptiness and numbness. Is it wrong to admit that you, alone, can’t help yourself? We deny the existence of pain and problem until we are in the pit of despair with nowhere to run. Maybe, it’s time to decide who’s the real enemy.

Your walls are not people, circumstances, emotions.

I am a very emotional personal. I take everything personally and I cry easily when people don’t understand me. Do I have to be defined by that? Maybe, but it doesn’t have to be the end of the rope. I am sensitive, yes, but I want to use my sensitivity to comfort others and understand them fully because I realized, that’s what I do best. But, I cannot. Why? Because I am having these Walls of Resentment and Selfishness.

I want to do something productive but I am afraid I will mess up and people would make fun of me. It’s clearly absurd but that’s the truth. I have Wall of Laziness and Wall of People’s Expectations of Me.

……..and those are just four of the many.

Seeing them clearly written on paper(or on screen) seems minuscule compared to what these are doing in my life. They are the walls that keep on hindering me on living my life the way God wants me to live.

What about you, what are your walls? What keeps you from living life? 

 h

Breaking Down the Walls #1

*This is inspired by Ryan Rush’s book 

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Good morning every one. Have you had your daily cup of tea or coffee? How are you feeling today? I feel energized but calm when I woke up and that’s a good thing. I’m no longer on meds for my anxiety and no longer drinking caps so I could go to sleep, so that’s okay. So what’s keeping me sane? You guessed it, BOOKS! But not quite. If you read my previous post, I had this peculiar conversation with God (hey, if that creeps you out, that’s okay, I respect you)and I think I’m finally having the reason to live again. But, it’s not easy. It’s actually a lot of hard work and tearing down boundaries that I have built upon me. So, I’m taking them day by day. I don’t know where this journey might lead me, but I’m okay with working with an invisible God than playing victim with myself all over again. I used to worry about looking like an idiot, so I tried living on my own terms and living for the sake of living and that made me hollowed and full of pride.

How the Walls Started

I am nineteen years old when I got back to college. It was actually fun interacting with kids my age(and not my age) and I am happily the good girl of the group. I don’t drink, I don’t have sex and I am known as the girl who goes to church and the girl they ask about trivial things in Bible. I liked it. I actually lived up to my reputation and I feel energized going to school knowing that I won’t only learn but I could little by little influence the people around me(and I actually did, I heard two of my friends talking about how they should at least try to live as wholesome as me). And, they respect me for that. I’ve became their control system. They would ask me if what they’re doing is right.(not that I am God or something) I loved every moment of that.

Unfortunately, things changed after a sem. I don’t know what happened but I got wounded up to the dark path that I actually disowned before. I found myself no longer enjoying the journey of always being the one who’s in control. I became like them.Yes, I don’t drink but I became as dark as I could, acting like a child and judged people whom I used to love and understand. I became resentful, always mad and sad.

I don’t know where to go from there.

As much as I want to live happy. I started looking for distraction and that’s where my obsession with books resurfaced. It became my way of life escaping from one world to another, letting go of reality. But, still, I am trapped, I am lost.

There are a lot of things I couldn’t say to you

. I’m not that bold enough, but I know where all of this came from. I know what is the root of all this, I just don’t want to admit it because there are other people involved.

That’s where we’re going to start:

NAMING YOUR WALLS

Your walls are not people. Your walls are not your circumstances. Your walls are not your emotions. Your walls are not your disorder. Your walls are built on your heart and your mindset you’re letting to control you’re whole being.

I am a Bipolar since I was a kid. I became a Christian when I was in senior highschool and I saw how the world could change with a little goodness and faith. I had a relapse almost two years from now, not that it went away. But, I lost control when I let my mind rot with bad things that are happening to me. I went away and I want to come back.

If you don’t know how to name these walls. Look at your life and see if anything that makes you feel dead because of your mindset hinders you from living and makes you feel afraid to live life with abandon. Think about the things that you think when you think about it, you actually feel suffocated. Maybe we should stop the blame game. Maybe we should start looking inwards and see where we made mistakes. Maybe, we have the choice but we don’t have the power. And maybe, positive thinking no longer works.

Think about it.

h

They call Him Love

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Hard hearts are no match to God’s love. He will call you, pursue you, love you and remind you every day. He will remind you when you forget. He will soften your heart and He will change you little by little. Sometimes, you won’t even notice it. But, you have to stop resisting. Don’t push away when He tries to enter your heart.

I wrote these words last night in purple paper. Royal color worth like gold. These words are gold, He sees me more than what it is worth. I don’t know what happened, but last night, I remembered I told Him the other night, “I don’t know how to love you anymore”- He was silent. But last night, as soon as I entered my room and closed the door, I heard it. Over and over again, like an echo, only it keeps getting strong. “I love you, I love you. I love you.”

I resisted. Oh boy, I resisted. But,the still small voice? He’s crying, trying to hold my heed. What did I say, “No. I don’t want to, I’m scared I’ll wake up again and tomorrow and nothing will change.” He just told me, He loves me. Over and over again. Every question, He answers me quite the same. I said, “Oh I’m just talking to myself.” But He reminded me of all our plans I abandoned. All my broken dreams that were never really there in the first place. He told me it’s all forgotten, we can start new. How? It’s been a while. But he told me, “I’ll give you the strength.”

Maybe that was all it took, or maybe it’s not. But He told me not to rely on my feelings anymore. They’re fleeting. Remain in His love.Not everything will be okay, but that’s all I need. He told me not to rely on intellect alone, it will make me confused. Love. The thing I am avoiding for so long. The thing I always take for granted. He gave it to me. He still gives it to me.And I am grateful. Who knows where it will lead me.

h

PS: This blog is going to have a major overhaul. I will include my spiritual journey and I know not everyone will agree with what I am going to share. You are free to unfollow, but I’m still hoping we can still be friends 🙂

“I can feel my heart beating in my chest”

“I can feel my heart beating in my chest.”

“That’s the way you should feel your whole life.”

We are the YA generation. Or so, they say. It feels good being a part of something, isn’t it? Even if it”s not really good for you. But I must admit there are some quotes that really get me. Above’s from Papertowns of John Green. It’s a beautiful depiction of what life should be. Exciting, something that should make you feel so alive and not barely living.

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So, today I felt my heart beating in my chest again while reading a book I bought a year ago. It’s been a while since I read a book like this. It is Girl Talk with God by Susie Shellenberg. I’d be honest that it took me a while to give in to the nudging voice that tells me to read it. I was like, “I’m sure I already know all about that. Plus, it’s for girls. Girls are like, what? Young kids? I’m no longer a kid.” but hey, have I told you we have a patient God? And so, I caved in and here’s what I got…….

PEACE.

Barely there but still noticeable if you know how to be quiet enough to heart it. The raging storms inside my head calmed down and I felt (and still feeling it now)my heart swell. It’s as if I just moved on from a very tragic heartbreak. And yes, I know it’s not right to base your faith on emotions but it just really reminds me of good old days when I still feel free from all of these that are binding me. He reminded me that no matter how old I get, I am still his kid, his daughter and He wants to take care of me.

And today I claim, good days are coming…

And I know, it won’t be easy but nothing is ever won without a good fight. But, now, I know I am not alone. He is fighting for-and with-me.

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Here’s to YOU who made me feel my heart again! Thank You for your patience and please help me to never let go. I know, days won’t get lighter just because of a day of good feelings, but help me, I know you’re there and you listen to me. You have my heart. Again.

Last Hope

Hi guys, how are you? I had a really tough week! It’s as if every day feels like a lifetime, I really thought I wouldn’t survive! I know it’s really dramatic, but I think I really am friendless now. But, I’m okay 🙂 I have this peace in me since Friday night, though the emotions keep on barging on the walls of this peace I think it’s better than nothing. I shut down my Facebook cause I don’t think it’s for me anymore(as of now, I don’t know). To be honest, I think it’s a fake place to make and cultivate friends and express yourself. Blog is so much better and more honest than that place. I went out two times last week and I feel like I finally achieved something as absurd as it sounds. It’s a little feat but I wouldn’t disregard it. I hope I can go out more this week. I really need to get a job already.

I haven’t done the Creative Blogger Award because I don’t know how to make a template. I suck at graphic design 😦 Can someone help me out with that? Also, I am exerting an effort to reach out to my spirituality. I know not all of you believe in God but to be honest, He is what makes me feel sane. I am not going to launch on my “testimony” but I just want to be honest how I started drifting apart with my relationship with Him and things got worse. I know I am diagnosed with Bipolar but I can actually lived through it before through Him. Now, I started to lose hope and I want to regain it back, because as it cliche as it sounds, He makes me feel alive. 🙂

Also, I am regaining my strength through reading, playing the guitar, hanging out(through text/call) with some of my remaining friends and reading. Hihi. Hope I can finally restore this peace inside me. Thank You Jesus.

How about you? What makes you feel alive?

Here’s the song that’s been making me sane for the past few days 🙂

Last Hope-Paramore

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