I’m feeling 22


I’ve always dreamed of celebrating my birthday with my closest friends and be surprised by people I care about. Turned out, this year is still not going to go smooth sailing and cherry-picking. But, that’s fine! I believe the next years will become more meaningful and special as far as the experiences go.

This year, I simply celebrated my birthday with my fellow-celebrant, who happens to be my boyfriend in a eat-all you can buffet located near my workplace. It’s our first time to be actually be surrounded by that much food, it’s a great experience even though I wasn’t able to eat a lot due to, yes, you guessed it, anxiety. But I was happy 🙂

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This year, I am feeling the pressure of being an adult. I thank God  every day that I am still employed and healthy. I must admit that I still feel a little nervous about everything that is happening around me. A little overwhelmed and anxious of what’s going to happen next. But, there’s no doubt that I have a lot to be thankful about. I am still a long way run to being emotionally open and totally okay. However, I am going to fight for this. There are nights I still lose the battle and wake up with the same dread, but I will continue and try to live.

I miss spending time with my friends and just chilling and be involved in each other’s lives, but maybe I’m still on the transition. This maybe a better birthday, but I am claiming this is not the best one yet! I want to celebrate next year, or maybe in the next 5 years to come, to finally be connected again. One day, it will happen. But for now, I am more than grateful with what I already have.

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Two Years and Beyond!

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More than two years ago, I met a guy whom I never thought would actually take me seriously. Yes, I am the type of girl who fancies nerdy guys. I like them because I know they can carry interesting conversations. Back when I was in highschool, those type of guys never even look at me. I am a bad-boy magnet. Guys with a reputation for being reckless or guys who are waaaay older than me- they are the ones who would always want to catch my attention. My dream of dating a smart guy vanished.

When I went back to college, I met this guy (he was still wearing contact lenses that time) whom I thought is kinda cute. I never thought that he’s been mesmerized (according to him) by me even before we actually met because I am so white(again, according to him). One day, he went to our classroom to borrow a lab gown. He said he’d just return it, but I found a problem: How will he contact me? So, I said he should get my number. (Well, I know, I’m sneaky LOL)

Things started from there and last February 03, 2016, we celebrated our second year anniversary! It’s our first time going out of town together since our parents are so strict. We were so happy and we had a very intimate conversation while lounging at the beach.

 

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I am so glad, I finally found someone I could love my whole life. I know we still got a long way to go, but this guy have seen me hit rock bottom and he never let me down even more. He would try to make me smile no matter how awkward he is when he does. I miss him even before we separate at the end of the day and I can’t get enough of his arms and smell. I know we’re still too young to settle down, but we are both willing to wait and work hard for that perfect timing. We trust God that He has brought us together to challenge and appreciate each other, and we are both thankful for that.

 

 

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Baby, I know loving someone like me is hard, I cannot promise I am worth it but I promise you that no matter how much we might try to hurt each other, I will always come back to you because you’ve made me feel at home just by looking at your smile.

New Trail, New Eyes

The only way you can see things in a different way is seeing through new eyes. It’s easier said than done. It’s not like you can get a transplant for the very same reason. I’m talking about the metaphorical resonance-how we see things and forcing ourselves to look past our present circumstances.

How was your 2015? Mine was mind-boggling, depressing and a whole lot of scary transition my body is not ready for. The soul, however, knows what to do. It knows when to rest, it knows when it’s enough and it knows when to start something new. Humans are fragile. I am fragile.

Admitting that you need help is the most vulnerable thing you could ever do but it’s the most liberating thing to be able to let out and take off your cover and shout to the world that you are hurting. Only then, starts the process of healing. You are what you decide to do with your sadness. You can wallow and pity yourself for the rest of your lives and blame anyone-even God-why your life’s a tortured mess. Or you can get up and feel the pain but refuse to give in. You can be stronger than this. You are stronger than this.

Take this year. Move on from here and never forget the lessons of the pain. But most importantly: be brave, dear heart. Don’t let the fire die out. You can. You will.

 

 

Insurgent by Veronica Roth(Divergent#3) Book Review

Insurgent by Veronica Roth

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Rating:  ☆☆☆☆.5

I apologize for not being active this month, I miss writing and doing reviews but I had this moment wherein I was just only reading for the sake of doing a review, and it made me restless and unfocused so I had to refresh my mind for a little while. I’ve read a lot of books this month! But, first and foremost, below is the third book of Divergent Series: Insurgent.

Synopsis:

The faction-based society that Tris Prior once believed in is shattered – fractured by violence and power struggles and scarred by loss and betrayal. So when offered a chance to explore the world past the limits she’s known, Tris is ready. Perhaps beyond the fence, she and Tobias will find a simple new life together, free from complicated lies, tangled loyalties, and painful memories.

But Tris’s new reality is even more alarming than the one she left behind. Old discoveries are quickly rendered meaningless. Explosive new truths change the hearts of those she loves. And once again, Tris must battle to comprehend to complexities of human nature – and of herself – while facing impossible choices about courage, allegiance, sacrifice, and love.(from goodreads)

Spoiler Free Review:

Call me emotional but I give five stars with books who make me cry and this one made me bawl at 1am I had to get up and go down to stifle my sobs. I’ve heard a lot of things from my friends and everybody’s already buzzing with that spoiler but still, it did not prepare me for the imminent event that shattered my soul into pieces. It was heartbreaking.

The last book made me feel tense all thought, and the writing of Roth is really straight to the point with few poetic notations that will make you sigh. It’s heartbreaking and it made me feel like everyone’s just bidding their time. There are also moments when I don’t want it to end and reread a phrase or a paragraph.I can still feel the pain of last night and that means it’s beautiful, beautiful book that will make you feel something.

As for the scientific references, I know that we should not dwell on this too much but I’m just glad that Roth didn’t use many jargons that would only be ignored by the readers who are not geeky. I think everything is well written and it made me wonder about a lot of things. I mean, how would you react if you found that what you believed about the world and yourself are all lies?

Some of my Favorite Quotes:

 “I think I’d like to find a middle ground for myself,” he says. “To find that place between what I want and what I think is wise.”

“I catch myself thinking, Thank God for this, out of habit, and then I understand what he’s so concerned about. What if my parents’ God, their whole belief system, is just something concocted by a bunch of scientists to keep us under control? And not just their beliefs about God and whatever else is out there, but about right and wrong, about selflessness? Do all those things have to change because we know how our world was made?”

“And,” I say, “I think you’re still the only person sharp enough to sharpen someone like me.”

“I used to think that when people fell in love, they just landed where they landed, and they had no choice in the matter afterward. And maybe that’s true of beginnings, but it’s not true of this, now. I fell in love with him. But I don’t just stay with him by default as if there’s no one else available to me. I stay with him because I choose to, every day that I wake up, every day that we fight or lie to each other or disappoint each other. I choose him over and over again, and he chooses me.”

“Since I was young, I have always known this: Life damages us, every one. We can’t escape that damage. But now, I am also learning this: We can be mended. We mend each other.”

 

 

 

 

An open letter to the mentally healthy

From a good friend Kerri. This is for all the NORMAL people out there. XD

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Dear mentally healthy people,

I would like to invite you, if you are interested, to partake in a little exercise. I am going to list a few things that I would like you to think about, really think about, the last time any of the following things happened to you:

  1. You got irritable;
  2. You absent mindedly forgot to do something;
  3. You had a sleepless night;
  4. You couldn’t bring yourself to get out of bed;
  5. You felt people staring at you;
  6. You lost your job, or didn’t make the cut in a job interview;
  7. You cried uncontrollably and inconsolably;
  8. You were really, really down about something;
  9. You were super nervous and anxious;
  10. You felt isolated and misunderstood;
  11. You didn’t feel like seeing other people;
  12. You didn’t want to be here any more;
  13.  You felt like a burden on your loved ones;
  14. You were so tired you felt like your body was…

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Live Now (Don’t die before your time)

I stumbled upon my old blog and I am re posting this today because I need to remind myself that I am alive. Maybe, you will, too. ❤

Inlove!

 

 We all have questions in our heads, questions that we sometimes find hard to answer, questions that we are afraid to know the answer. Usually, it is the latter. Like the question, “If you die now, what you’re life have became?”

 

As humans we have a tendency to clam up and just shut off our feelings because of fear. I recently had an experience of being out of place. It was during one of the latest youth gathering. My friends are having their own conversations while I was there sitting in a corner, feeling it would be better if the floor would just swallow me right there. I went home feeling dejected cursing the evening, vowing I won’t attend another youth gathering again. As I am writing this, I realized I was just sad during that time. Loneliness is not an enemy but what we do with it…

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