Remember when you used to be the girl who loves life?
Remember when you are still the one who wants to connect and establish relationships and all that?
It’s like life has failed you and let it ruined you, romanticizing failures and being alone.
You used to be one happy girl, always excited to live, always excited to plan and never let nervousness get the best her. Remember that?
Please don’t forget.
Please wake her up from slumber.
Please, be that girl.
because you are still that girl.
I’ve always dreamed of celebrating my birthday with my closest friends and be surprised by people I care about. Turned out, this year is still not going to go smooth sailing and cherry-picking. But, that’s fine! I believe the next years will become more meaningful and special as far as the experiences go.
This year, I simply celebrated my birthday with my fellow-celebrant, who happens to be my boyfriend in a eat-all you can buffet located near my workplace. It’s our first time to be actually be surrounded by that much food, it’s a great experience even though I wasn’t able to eat a lot due to, yes, you guessed it, anxiety. But I was happy 🙂
This year, I am feeling the pressure of being an adult. I thank God every day that I am still employed and healthy. I must admit that I still feel a little nervous about everything that is happening around me. A little overwhelmed and anxious of what’s going to happen next. But, there’s no doubt that I have a lot to be thankful about. I am still a long way run to being emotionally open and totally okay. However, I am going to fight for this. There are nights I still lose the battle and wake up with the same dread, but I will continue and try to live.
I miss spending time with my friends and just chilling and be involved in each other’s lives, but maybe I’m still on the transition. This maybe a better birthday, but I am claiming this is not the best one yet! I want to celebrate next year, or maybe in the next 5 years to come, to finally be connected again. One day, it will happen. But for now, I am more than grateful with what I already have.
The only way you can see things in a different way is seeing through new eyes. It’s easier said than done. It’s not like you can get a transplant for the very same reason. I’m talking about the metaphorical resonance-how we see things and forcing ourselves to look past our present circumstances.
How was your 2015? Mine was mind-boggling, depressing and a whole lot of scary transition my body is not ready for. The soul, however, knows what to do. It knows when to rest, it knows when it’s enough and it knows when to start something new. Humans are fragile. I am fragile.
Admitting that you need help is the most vulnerable thing you could ever do but it’s the most liberating thing to be able to let out and take off your cover and shout to the world that you are hurting. Only then, starts the process of healing. You are what you decide to do with your sadness. You can wallow and pity yourself for the rest of your lives and blame anyone-even God-why your life’s a tortured mess. Or you can get up and feel the pain but refuse to give in. You can be stronger than this. You are stronger than this.
Take this year. Move on from here and never forget the lessons of the pain. But most importantly: be brave, dear heart. Don’t let the fire die out. You can. You will.
I’ve never felt lost and alone like now. My friend here on wordpress told me that one day she just woke up and felt like she’s tired of being sad, so she stopped being sad. I think today, I felt like that. It’s actually scary because I’m scared it’s a trap that will make me more confined to this mess that is my life. But it feels nice to get tired of being in the dark, isn’t it? Yes, I’ve made mistakes in the past and I admit I became paralyzed because I’m afraid that I will just make a fool of myself if I make another move again. But maybe, those are not mistakes but choices to be made, and maybe I just made choices but it’s not the death of me. I will try again, no matter how hard it is. I am still afraid. Sigh. But, I think, I’m ready.
IG: @oleendelrosario
“You’re like a gray sky. You’re beautiful even though you don’t want to be.”
“Sadness is only ugly, and anyone who thinks otherwise doesn’t get it. I think what he means to say is that he and I are ugly in the same and there’s something familiar, comfortable about that.”
Sixteen-year-old physics nerd Aysel is obsessed with plotting her own death. With a mother who can barely look at her without wincing, classmates who whisper behind her back, and a father whose violent crime rocked her small town, Aysel is ready to turn her potential energy into nothingness.
There’s only one problem: she’s not sure she has the courage to do it alone. But once she discovers a website with a section called Suicide Partners, Aysel’s convinced she’s found her solution: a teen boy with the username FrozenRobot (aka Roman) who’s haunted by a family tragedy is looking for a partner.
Even though Aysel and Roman have nothing in common, they slowly start to fill in each other’s broken lives. But as their suicide pact becomes more concrete, Aysel begins to question whether she really wants to go through with it. Ultimately, she must choose between wanting to die or trying to convince Roman to live so they can discover the potential of their energy together. Except that Roman may not be so easy to convince.(goodreads)
There are two main characters. They are named Aysel (as in Uh-zel) and Roman.
Ayzel is an outcast. She started having suicidal thoughts for a long time after her dad did something that will ruin her perception in life and her faith to herself. She’s a classical music fan and a Physics nerd.
Roman used to be popular. As in basketball player popular. But her sister’s death brought him to caved in and blamed himself for a very long time.
Both are depressed and both found themselves on a website for those who are planning to end their lives.
They met and they became “Suicide partners”
It took me a long time to finish this book. not because it’s bad but because I am taking my time to digest and enjoy the story. It’s a very light read despite the heavy topic. I once saw an article that this book is tied as All The Bright Places’ sister. To be honest, this one’s lighter than ATBP. That one really made me cry buckets. This one, though it made me tear up in public while waiting for a friend, it did not really made me feel a lot. I mean, I like it. Technically, it’s a good read and it might be your favorite if you’re a YA newbie. It actually fuels hope in the end and it will make you wonder where their relationship is going all throughout the build-up. They’re cute! I understand where they’re coming from, it’s realistic and very informative.
On the lower note, there are a lot of unresolved issues and questions hanging in the end. I mean, basically it’s 302 pages so I thought all question would be answered. So, there.
All in all, it’s a nice read. The writing is good and the plot is there, you won’t be confused. But, I don’t know. It’s romantic but maybe I’m just looking for something more. Their story is very usual. I mean, the one saves the other, something like that. But you know what? I guess, somehow, it’s true that some people might become the person who might at least give you hope and will to continue and live. Suicide is not romanticized here, and that’s good but, I’m happy about the end. It’s affirming, but dangerous as well. I mean, no one person can save you but at least, one can be the reason why you want to be saved. But what if that person leave? Hmm, yeah. That’s something to think about, isn’t it?
Listen to classical music. It’s also a nice book to read outside as it’s easy to follow the story line with this one.
NEXT REVIEW!!
BETWEEN US AND THE MOON BY REBECCA MAIZEL
Actually, this happened yesterday but I wasn’t able to create a blog post about it. Let’s all pretend it’s yesterday. Okay? Bear with me.
I woke up feeling groggy because I took medicine so I could fall asleep longer and earlier. The reciprocation was when I woke up, though. I felt so tired. I texted my boyfriend to annoy him and fight but he just went here to invite me to go out.
I casually told him that I want to have an adult coloring book and he surprised me with one 🙂
It’s really therapeutic, you should try it if you think you need a new hobby or you feel that reality is being so suffocating.
Lately, I’ve been listening to classical music and it helps me concentrate on what I am doing. A good news also came. I have an up-coming interview tomorrow as an Admin Staff.
I don’t know if I am ready for work but we’ll see. Then, we went out and visited a nearby coffee shop with a very bookish name. (though, not particularly a book I am fond of)
It’s one of those days I want to last a long time. It’s one of those rare moments I really feel like there’s a safe place out there. I am just really happy that I have someone like him in my life. He is so patient and understanding in whatever mood I am in and forgiving even when I can’t forgive myself.
“The world breaks everyone and afterward many are strong in the broken places. But those that will not break it kills. It kills the very good and the very gentle and the very brave impartially. If you are none of these you can be sure it will kill you too but there will be no special hurry.”
Ernest Hemingway, A Farewell to Arms, 1929
US author & journalist (1899 – 1961)
Ever read or heard of that passage Ernest Hemingway wrote? Did any of it piqued interest or you don’t agree? I used to think that life isn’t complicated. But, when you started seeing things in unfiltered way, you will realize that this world is a cruel mechanism ready to kill any hope and happiness. I’m not saying it in a depressive way; I’m saying it as a-matter-of-fact. Yes, there are good days, good moments, but if you close your eyes and listen, you will hear and feel that this world is such a nonsensical ball of regret and loneliness. It’s just not enough. Maybe, that’s why we long for another world, for us humans are created with holes on our hearts, we crave for something more. We look for the beautiful. The kind of beauty that shouldn’t be felt just because you don’t have a choice. I am jealous of people who don’t break, they know how to bend when every piece of me are already scattered. I told my boyfriend earlier that I am sad because I don’t feel like I can do something special. I had this hope that I could do something bizzare or different if I am born with perpetual hormonal imbalance. I told him I don’t think I have that something, that I asked God why He did not create me to be as normal as every one else, that I asked Him why He did not create me to control my thoughts like every one else so I could just live normal like other people. I thought I shouldn’t be in this situation. The country I am in is a poor one. I cannot afford to be suicidal or be publicly depressed. People would judge, they won’t understand. What with the “bigger” problems other people have? I only have my thoughts to fight, they have mouths to feed. I used to be brave. Now, I cannot even go out and commit to something. But, if you could only know what’s on the back of my mind. I want to be normal as much as possible even if it kills me.
That’s the reason sometimes I no longer feel like I belong here. There must be something, somewhere. And I long to be there.
I was struggling for days because I cannot go out. I had a lot of chance to go last week but I can’t seem to have the reason and the energy to do so. My parents are out and my mother rang my boyfriend and asked him to come pick me up so I won’t be bored all day. Turns out he has a photography assignment. He can’t take a picture to save his life so I tried my best and here’s the outcome.
(photoset: Third world problem)
What do you think guys? I know I’m not that good but it’s mobile photography so please forgive me. Haha 😀
Credits to:http://rebloggy.com/
I confess, I am not the person I wanted to be.
That statement is sad and hopeful all at the same.
I’ve always been the “planner”, the “achiever” and the “odd” one. I wasn’t always like that and sadly I am starting to become the person I am before that.
Little by little, I let go of my dreams, my to-do lists, my non-sense goals and I started living the dire world of my own making. I am stuck. Blame it on the hormones, the phase of depression or whatever chemical that’s still lingering inside my body.
I am so tired of feeling tired all the time. I am so mad for being angry at the world and its inhabitants. I know it’s nobody’s fault we are here but this harmatia is killing me…
Inside the shower I am naked. Inside the shower room I am washed clean. Of my own bitterness, admitting all of my shortsightedness. I am far-fetched. I am alone. I feel like I have nothing and no one to call my own.
I must admit, I don’t want to be alone anymore. I need love-more love-than ever before. I don’t want to be desperate. I don’t want to let anyone know. I’m afraid they won’t get it. I’m afraid to find out I am nothing to them. That’s why, I push them all away.
I push them all away. But I don’t want to. I don’t want to.
So, have you ever thought about how you would die? Like, will you die in a tragic accident or a heart attack? Or will you die in your sleep or will you have a long time to battle cancer before you finally say goodbye? I always remember the long nights I fought with my own thoughts and finally conclude that I would not see another sunrise. Absurd, isn’t it? I am only twenty-one. A lot of things ahead. If I would die, people would shake their pretty little heads and say, “There’s still a lot she can do, she’s too young.” But, is it really a waste? Or is it just the human fate? What is our destination? We are all born to die and we’re all just bidding our time.
My head aches as I am writing this. I’m swimming with all the emotions that want to burst out and sparkle. But, they cannot. I cannot let them get the best of me. I was surrounded by people who are already in their old age. They look so marvelous and happy. I envy them. Will I grow old to be like that? Or will I die young? The thing is nobody knows. People created the idea that we will only live once. People are proclaiming an exact date of the world’s collapse, who should we blame? Who should we listen to? To be honest, both are proclaiming the same. I look at life and see that there is hope. And hope is as dangerous as fear, but hope is what keeps us alive and fear is what fuels hope, if you get what I mean. One cannot live without the other. Should we worry? Should we be afraid? I realized that as much as we want to take and make a difference, we already are different. We all have our own different paths, but we will end up in the same conclusion. Now, what’s to do with the time we are given? I don’t know, I’m still looking for my own answer.
I sung for a crowd and they were singing back. I know, not for me but for The One who are making them happy. I feel happy too. I fear. I hope. And I know, there’s so much, so much more.
Oleen Lives & Loves 